The Space Between
by Finn21
Summary: On Nathan's way back to Tree Hill from seeing Haley on tour he is beset in turmoil. This is what could have possibly been going through his head on the drive home, after he left her that night.


**A/N:** Ok so I don't really know what I was trying to accomplish with this little drabble, but I had to get it out. I've watched all the flashback scenes until my poor tape is on the verge of dying, and I even watched the backstage scene a few times as well. More than a few. More than a few, few. Anyway this tiny piece came out of all of that.

I hope you guys like. Oh, and feedback is nice.

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**The Space Between  
**By: Ashley

_Your Heart and Mine...is the Space We'll Fill with Time_  
-Dave Matthews Band

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Nathan doesn't trust love.

For as long as he's lived it has done nothing but continue to screw him over again and again. First with his father, then with his mother, and now with his wife.

_His wife._

Those two words don't really feel like they fit together anymore. His wife. Is she his wife? She's still a wife technically, physically, legally, but what does that mean? They're just words, they don't keep two people together, they don't keep them happy. Evidence of that is all around him, no better an example than in the two highly dysfunctional and quite possibly most unhappy people he's ever known: Dan and Deb Scott.

Those are two people who don't know, or may have never known what the true meaning of love is. If they did, maybe he wouldn't be where he was right now. Alone and lonely. Lonely and alone.

Empty.

Nathan takes a breath and tries not to feel his heart crack into pieces. He tries not to picture the face of his wi–of Haley and the way she felt in his arms. So soft and warm and just right it made his body ache all over. God, how he'd wanted to hold her again after all this time, to smell the sweet scent of her hair, a mix of strawberries and tangerines and that special scent all her own. It makes his hands itch to touch her now, to feel her in his grasp.

It's been so long.

He doesn't want to think about her anymore. It hurts too much. It all hurts so much and he just wishes it would stop. Just for a second, for a moment, so he could breathe again. Really breathe, without feeling like his chest might collapse, or his heart might burst. He just wants to be able to get this mental picture out of his head of how she looked. A little bit thinner than before, her clothes a little bit tighter, her hair a little bit lighter, and her face done up with more makeup than he'd ever remembered her wearing. She looked so different from the tutor girl he'd met earlier that year. So different, and yet still so beautiful.

So beautiful it made his heart fucking break.

Nathan grips the steering wheel and forces himself to focus on the road. There are cars ahead of him, a few behind him, and he notices he's started to drift into the left lane a bit. He pulls on the wheel and straightens the car. He blinks his eyes shut and then open.

_I love you._

That's what she'd said. That's what she'd whispered into his ear before she'd left him again. For a stage, rather than a bus this time. But it's all relative. She left him, and she's going to continue to keep leaving him, because that's what people do, they leave. They all leave until there's nothing but emptiness remaining inside of you, hard and cold.

_I love you._

Three words. Three syllables. Nothing more. But he couldn't get it out of his head. The way she'd repeated it again and again. Why?...WHY? She didn't want their marriage, she'd said she was confused–he got that. But she'd also said she loved him. It didn't make sense. Nothing made sense anymore. It was all such a huge gigantic mess, and he wanted it to disappear. He wanted to go back to a time when he could wake up to her in his arms, in their bed, in their home when everything was perfect. He yearns for that past so much he thinks he might break.

_I love you._

NO! STOP! Just stop, please. Make it stop, make the pain go away. Please make it go away. Please! It can't go on like this. He can't go on like this. Living in this constant state of nothingness. He can't hear Haley's words in his head and hold onto his hate. _It's not hate your holding onto_, his head tells him, but he shakes it off. His blood feels cold in his veins, his mouth dry, and his eyes blurry. He bites back whatever it was that was threatening to rip through his throat and grips the steering wheel even harder. His knuckles look like white pearls against the deep dark night highway. His body tries to involuntarily calm itself down, even though his head fights it.

_I love you. I do._

It almost feels like it was inevitable. The way everything turned out. Everyone around him told him the marriage was doomed to fail. He and Haley were doomed to fail. But he refused to believe it. How could love that strong, not last? How could they not spend the rest of their lives together? It just didn't seem possible. When he'd said forever, he meant it. When he asked for Haley to marry him, he knew it was right. The day he said his vows, he'd never been more sure of anything in his life, but now...Now there's so much doubt. So many uncertainties.

The long winding road stretches out like a question mark before him.

There are no certainties life. That's what Nathan has come to realize. That's what he's reflects on as he continues to drive toward a future that holds no sure promises of love, or happy endings, or a solid guarantee that anything will ever be like it was before. Haley–his–His wife, left him. She left him alone, and told him it was to go live her dream, that this was a once in lifetime chance opportunity. He knew she was right–people didn't get musical career's just handed to them everyday. But it didn't make the pain of her absence any easier. It didn't erase the ache in his heart, every time he thought of her. The softness of her skin and the way it felt like silk when it brushed against his. The brightness in her eyes, and how they would light up an entire room when she smiled. The little insignificant things she did every day, that makes him want to jump out of his skin now because she isn't there, and he lost it all.

Has he lost it all?

The mere idea of the question makes him want to vomit. Haley, she was everything. Everything. And she left him. He didn't have anything if he didn't have her. Nothing, meant anything at all, if she wasn't there with him to share it. And a part of him knows things between them, no matter how they turn out–will never be the same. She left once, is there any guarantee she wouldn't leave again? He's not sure, and the thought crawls through his brain like a disgusting virus that just won't quit. The more he thinks about what it will be like when he gets back to his–their empty apartment once again, the more the uncertainties fill him up-- leaving him with nothing but the vicious doubts. It's an unending cycle which he chooses to drown out with sleep, or video games, or unhealthy amounts of alcohol. Alcohol he is badly in need of now.

_I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I love you._

Nathan turns the dial up on the radio and tries to flood out the sound of her voice in his head. He stares at the unyielding yellow dotted line that marks the road a two way street and tries to erase the image of her face from his mind. But he can't escape the smell of her perfume on his clothes, or the way his hands felt wrapped around her petite form. He can't let go, it's as simple as that. He just can't.

His father is a callous bastard, and his mother is a selfish bitch, but if either of them ever taught him something, it was how to hold onto to what you wanted. He can't say it himself now, he can't think about it, but he's not letting go. He's not letting her go.

_I love you._

It's just three words, three syllables, but Nathan hears her voice behind those words, he hears her heart and soul crying out to him. He saw the honesty in her big beautiful eyes, felt it in the soft caress of her fingers. It was there. It was still there. His wife. His love. His world.

She still loves him.

Off in the distance, Nathan sees an exit coming up with a rest stop nearby. He needs to fill the car up with gas before he goes any further. It's a long road back to where he came from, and the ride is going to get even bumpier until he makes it home.

Nathan doesn't trust love. Right now, he can't.

But he does...believe in it.

And maybe that's enough.


End file.
